Care and Feeding

My Son Has Taken to Uttering a Very Alarming Phrase

A toddler boy looks sheepish.
Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by khilagan/iStock/Getty Images Plus.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My boyfriend “Sam” and I have an 18-month-old “West”. Someone (no one can figure out who) in the neighborhood has acquired a car with an extremely sensitive alarm system that seems to go off at the slightest thing—a garbage truck passing, a heavy wind, kids daring each other to touch it on the walk to school.

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Sam’s hospital is wildly understaffed and he’s pulling crazy hours and never getting enough sleep. Recently when the car alarm went off after a shift he yelled “f**k that”. West has started copying him any time he hears an alarm, ambulance, etc. loud noise. His daycare is next to the fire station so you can imagine how that’s going. How do we get this to stop?

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—Silence is Golden

Dear Silence,

For someone who values sleep as much as I do, this would absolutely infuriate me. There is a layer of difficulty since you don’t know who owns the car, but there are a few ways you can try to get some much-needed relief.

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You should start by leaving a note on the car’s windshield that says something to the effect of, “Hello, your car’s alarm is very sensitive and goes off multiple times a day which is disruptive to my baby. Can you please adjust your car’s settings to stop your alarm from triggering so easily? I would greatly appreciate it.” If you feel so inclined, you could leave your name and number for the person to contact you as a personal touch, but it certainly isn’t necessary. I would also leave the note in a sealed envelope as a way to deter other people from taking the note and/or reading it.

If the car owner has a shred of empathy for your situation, they will probably take care of it immediately. If not, then you will have to invest in ear plugs or a white noise machine. Personally, I take a white noise machine with me whenever I travel for speaking engagements, because I never know what crazy sounds I’ll encounter when I’m on the road or during loud holidays like July 4th. Everyone is different, but that always does the trick for me.

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Regarding your boyfriend, I totally understand how frustrating it is for him to be overtired and overworked, but he still has to be a strong role-model for his kid. I would remind him to keep his colorful language to himself unless he’s OK with your son repeating those words, which I’m assuming he’s not. Additionally, I would nip your son’s behavior in the bud and tell him that those words are not OK to repeat anywhere. If he doesn’t hear any curse words at home going forward, then he should stop relatively soon.

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Hopefully you’ll get some relief and peace soon as well.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My ex-partner and I share a 3-year-old daughter and we have joint custody. He also has a son, 13, from a previous marriage and he is a very responsible, loving child with whom I had a very strong relationship when I was in a relationship with his father.

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I recently found out during our nightly FaceTime that when they (my ex, his new girlfriend, his son and our daughter) were on vacation, his son and our daughter were planning to share a bed. The way in which I found out caused a lot of unnecessary drama as I was uncomfortable with our 3-year-old daughter sharing a bed with her 13-year-old half-brother. Despite my trust and high regard for his son, I simply didn’t think it was appropriate for them to share a bed given their age difference and their stages of development. My ex was in complete disagreement and has now turned his son against me because I stated my position.

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I wasn’t given the opportunity to have a discussion with my ex regarding this situation, and it turned into a lot of tears from disappointed children. He still thinks I’m in the wrong, and although respected my position, thinks I have a personal vendetta against his son.

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The whole thing is a mess and could have been avoided with a conversation beforehand.

Am I in the wrong for being uncomfortable with this sleeping arrangement?

—Fed Up in Phoenix

Dear Fed Up,

I have to say this raised my eyebrows a bit, but that’s mostly due to knowing people who have been abused in situations similar to the one you described. To be clear, I’m not saying your stepson has any abusive tendencies, but it personally makes me feel uneasy.

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However, we’re talking about a vacation — not a long-term sleeping arrangement. I think it would be OK for the kids to sleep in the same bed as long as there is some level of parental supervision in the same room. Granted, it looks as if they are going to sleep in separate beds, but you still have to navigate through a lot of hurt feelings.

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The biggest issue here is that your ex didn’t discuss this with you beforehand. It would probably make sense for you to politely, yet firmly, tell him that any decisions like this involving your daughter must be discussed with you before they’re executed. Additionally, if you ever have time to talk with your stepson, I would mention that this choice isn’t personal, but merely a byproduct of the different stages of development he and your daughter are in.

He may not get it or still be upset with you, but you should rest peacefully at night knowing you did what you believe is right for your daughter.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I feel terrible asking this question, and I realize it makes me seem like a bad mother. My husband and I have a rambunctious, impossible, lovable preschooler. Separately, we also have advanced degrees. The latter is relevant only because it means that almost all of our friends–including almost all of my friends with kids–are also highly educated and intelligent people, since those are the people we always end up having as colleagues and even as neighbors.

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And the problem is that all their kids seem to be… exceptional? I get text messages of stick figures a friend’s 23-month-old drew, or we go over to my son’s classmate’s house and see he’s patiently and quietly sitting and working on a 100-piece puzzle, or another parent will laugh relating the deep philosophical question their 3-year old asked or express that it is so difficult having to decide whether their 6-year-old should or shouldn’t skip a grade (or two).

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My son does not ask philosophical questions or enjoy 100-piece puzzles. My son asks whether he can have ice cream for breakfast and enjoys throwing giant rocks into bodies of water. He’s an affectionate, goofy little guy, and I love how strong and brave he is, but I also feel… I don’t know. Some mix of worried for his future and guilt that maybe somehow I’ve done or am doing something wrong, and, yeah, probably even a little embarrassment (which feels terrible to admit)—it’s one thing to have a friend or two with a precocious kid, but literally almost every friend of mine has at least one kid who’s precocious. (I can only think of two friends whose kids aren’t.)

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I guess mainly I just want to know, first, if my kid’s going to be okay, and second of all, how I can help him be okay by not worrying about him or wishing for a second that he were any different, because I do know that he is beautiful and perfect.

—Middle Part of the Curve Mom

Dear Middle Part,

Let me start by saying you’re not a bad mom. A confused mom? Perhaps, but you’re certainly not a bad one.

I like to refer to Theodore Roosevelt’s famous quote when he once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” If you think about it rationally, does it really matter as a parent if you and your neighbors have advanced degrees? Or if your friend’s toddler is solving quadratic equations? Parenting isn’t the Olympics. Nobody is being placed on a medal stand for having kids who excel academically, athletically, or in any other fashion—so why put yourself through the mental anguish of constantly looking over your shoulder to see what the Joneses are doing?

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If it makes you feel any better, you should know that your son’s behaviors are normal. Do you know how many parents reading my words right now have kids who ask for sweets for breakfast? A lot of them, including me. Also, don’t think for a minute that your “highly-educated friends with exceptional kids” aren’t having challenges with their kiddos behind closed doors. Trust me, every child and family has issues that would probably make your head spin. You just don’t know about them.

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I suffered through the pain you’re currently dealing with when I first became a dad, and I was miserable. If a kid walked, talked, or knew the alphabet before mine did, I thought I was a failure as a parent. Finally a good friend of mine gave me the same advice I’m giving you, and it changed everything. The one thing she said that really hit home was, “If you’re too busy paying attention to other kids, you’ll end up neglecting your own. You will never get this time back with your daughter, so be present with her and know that everything will work out if you are.”

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With that in mind, I couldn’t possibly care less about how smart a kid is or the advanced degrees a parent has. America is in crisis right now, and what I care about is if you’re raising a kind, empathetic child who will do whatever it takes to make this place more equitable for everyone. If you’re doing that, then you should rest easy at night knowing you’re doing an amazing job as a mom. The rest is just noise.

Also, don’t put any pressure on yourself, because parenting will become unbearable if you continue this way. Take a deep breath and enjoy the good, bad, and ugly moments of parenthood without comparing yourself to others. The days of him asking for ice cream for breakfast will be over before you know it — and trust me, you’ll miss those days.

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Catch Up on Care and Feeding

• If you missed Monday’s column, read it here.
• Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a Black dad with two young sons, and I feel overwhelmed by life. My kids are demanding and I work as an IT Manager for a large company which is equally demanding. I feel like I’m losing my mind on a daily basis and I need to talk to someone who understands me. My wife told me that the only men who go to therapy are “insane or weak-minded,” and I had to clean up her language for the sake of my letter. My supervisor is supportive about seeking therapy, but is hands-off when it comes to personal issues. Her main response is to do what’s best for me, which isn’t a ringing endorsement. I guess I’m looking for some validation. Is it OK to get therapy as a dad? I know life is hard for everyone right now and not everyone is in therapy, which makes me feel like I’m broken in some way.

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—Depressed Dad

Dear Depressed Dad,

I’ll give you the important answer first: Yes, it’s more than OK for men and dads to seek therapy. Heck, if they can afford it, I’ll go as far as saying everyone should have a licensed therapist regardless of their gender, but that’s a discussion for another column.

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I’ll say this as respectfully as possible, but your wife’s beliefs about therapy are reckless and irresponsible. I’ve often mentioned in this column that I’m also a Black dad who suffers from clinical depression—and there is no question I would be dead right now if my loved ones said the same thing about me in my darkest moments.

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It’s bananas to me that Black people are still being treated like subhuman animals by our government, police, workplaces, schools, and communities—but it’s even crazier that we’re expected to show up with a smile on our faces at all times despite it all. Many of us are struggling mightily just to get out of bed to face the world on a daily basis, and if we don’t find an outlet to express our pain, we may implode.

The reason why I’m so public about my mental illness is I want more men (Black men, especially) to see someone like me talk about it as freely as someone would talk about a broken arm. It doesn’t make us “insane or weak-minded” to have mental health struggles—it makes us normal, especially in light of America’s social and political climate.

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My brother, I’m begging you to seek therapy as soon as possible. The fact that you’re writing in here is proof that you’re near a crisis point like I was, and I don’t want your situation to get any worse. Not to mention, you’re raising two little boys, and you need to model proper mental health care from a male perspective so they will feel empowered to get the help if they need it later on in life.

I’ve been in your shoes and I’m telling you that things will get better if you get the help you so desperately need. I’m rooting for you.

—Doyin

More Advice From Slate

Before we started going out, my husband was in a long-term relationship with a woman with a pretty unique name. They haven’t kept in touch. Now, I’m pregnant with our first child (a girl, due in the spring). He would like to name her the same thing as his ex. She’s not the only person in the world with this name, but it is certainly uncommon. I think it’s a lovely name, but I’m a little weirded out by the fact that this is his ex-girlfriend’s name, and I’m worried others will be too. Is it acceptable?

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