Dear Prudence is online weekly to chat live with readers. Here’s an edited transcript of this week’s chat. (R. Eric Thomas is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave.)
Q. Not the Favorite: My MIL “Lana” is in her late 70s. Lana only wants relationships with people who give her what she wants—money. She is bad with money. Her older son would send her money and she adored him, while my husband and I would not and she ignored and pretended like we didn’t exist. We just found out that Lana has been a victim of scammers and maxed out two credit cards buying and sending the scammers gift cards purchased with these credit cards. The older brother knew about the scammers but did nothing. The older brother passed away recently. Lana has now turned sweet and loving to us. Texting and calling my husband wanting to be in our lives. My husband is falling for it because all he has ever wanted was love from her. My husband has now asked that I help Lana figure out how to get out of the mess she is in since I have a lot more free time than him. I don’t know where to start. I don’t even like this woman. What should I do?
A. From your description, it seems unlikely that Lana is going to be happy with any solution beyond more money, which you obviously shouldn’t give her, at least not initially. So you ought to have a conversation with your husband about what exactly the help he’s asking you for entails and if Lana is in a position to receive it. While you may have more time than him, that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to spend it catering to Lana’s needs. If he wants Lana to get help with financial literacy or assistance reporting fraud, maybe that’s something you can guide her to. But you can’t and shouldn’t be saddled with the responsibility of undoing the unhealthy mindset that has gotten her in this predicament. Your husband has emotional entanglement in this situation and that may be hard to navigate, but he needs to be clear with you about what he expects and whether that’s reasonable.
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Q. You Fund Your Life, I’ll Fund Mine: My sister-in-law is a nice enough, middle-aged woman who isn’t married and doesn’t have children. We have a cordial relationship, but she and my husband are not close. Even though we live in the same town we don’t see her often—mostly just when the parents are in town visiting. She recently informed me that she would be going on an exciting running trip. She’s not a runner, but I thought it sounded great, especially because I know that it can be difficult for her to find friends to travel with. I changed my mind, however, when she let me know that it was a fundraising trip and that she was expecting us to contribute. I suppose this irritates me because while the charity is a good one, it isn’t particularly near and dear to her heart. She is only involved with this charity because she wants to participate on the trip, and in order to participate and receive the “free” training a certain fundraising goal must be met. She has a good job, and could certainly afford to cover the entire contribution herself. I NEVER ask her to throw her money at my kids’ school and athletic fundraisers, and resent that she expects me to fund her training/trip. Should I (nicely) tell her that we won’t contribute, ignore the mailed request, or make a nominal contribution and then start asking her to buy wrapping paper and candy bars?
A. The least complicated thing would be to ignore the mailed request or, if pressed, politely decline citing other commitments. If you contribute and then start making asks of her, the resentment you feel is only going to increase. She may expect you to contribute, but that hasn’t a thing to do with you. If you feel compelled to support the charity, do it for that reason and leave it at that. But it sounds like you’d best be served by staying out of this and letting her run the other way.
Q. Sad Sans Kids: My fiancé and I had a hard conversation a few days ago, about how he’s just not sure yet if he wants kids. Previously, he had expressed cautious desire—he wanted kids, but had reasonable concerns over the state of our country and climate change. Now, he says he doesn’t see himself making up his mind until his early 30s. (We’re both in our mid-to-late 20s.) He keeps asking me to tell him exactly what I’m feeling, but I’m really worried about expressing how sad this makes me, and inadvertently make him feel pressured to have a kid he might not want. That wouldn’t be fair to him—and definitely not to a kid. Last year, I had a health scare where it seemed for a minute like I wouldn’t be able to have kids. I really appreciated how my fiancé made it clear that he would stay with me, regardless of whether I could conceive. I feel like I owe him the same commitment, and I don’t think I want to give up a loving and caring relationship for a hypothetical child. I feel hurt, but I feel like I can’t express that to him or anyone else. I just feel so sad and alone. Should I tell him how I feel?
A. Yes, tell him how you feel. He’s asking you to and even if it makes him feel pressure, neither of you will be able to productively move forward without honest communication. And talk to him about your anxiety around pressuring him, too. Having a kid (or not having a kid) isn’t something either of you is going to do lightly or without care, so it’s best to put things out in the open as soon as possible in hopes that talking through it will build a stronger relationship, whatever you end up deciding.
Q. Mr. Clean: I’m a minimalist. Having too much stuff in the house just drives me crazy. I’m a successful interior designer with a social media following. My fiancé Mervin is a packrat. He’s an artist and art teacher and collects things for his art. This was fine when he was able to keep it in his studio, but we downsized to save for a home purchase next year. Home is also necessarily where I shoot a lot of my videos for work and social media, so most of his things like old sketchbooks and decorative items are in the storage area. In preparation for the move I began throwing out or donating some things—his mismatched dishes, jars of seed pods, bottle caps, etc.
When Mervin discovered this, he was distraught. He said I make him feel like he has no place in my life. I’m sorry I hurt him, but I don’t want to be overwhelmed with clutter, and we’ll always be able to go get more rocks, maple helicopters, or beach sand. I talked to a friend about this and she said clutter comes with the territory of dating an artist. We wouldn’t be able to be looking at a home purchase without my income, and I need a neat house to help maintain that. I love Mervin and his creativity, but his belief that every bit of trash has art potential sometimes drives me up the wall. I’m not even exaggerating, he photographs garbage on our walks. Was I wrong? Should I be more tolerant?
A. It could be said that the garbage Mervin photographs is as meaningful and as artistically valuable as the minimalist design you share on social media. You’re both producing work and the audience for that work appreciates it and just because your audience is potentially more profitable doesn’t mean your work is more important. You should apologize to Mervin for throwing his things away and have an honest conversation about sharing the space you both live in. Is your whole home your “office” and production space? Is your whole life your production space? If so, where does Mervin fit in? Social media, even at a professional and influencer level, only shows a portion of our lives. You two should talk through what portion that needs to be, and then you need to respect his portion as equally important.
Q. Re: Not the Favorite: Why, oh why are you agreeing that the LW should handle “Lana” for her husband? He obviously wants the benefit of his mother’s attention by setting up the LW as the bad guy if they refuse her demands. “Free time” is a transparent excuse. I suspect his interest in helping Lana will disappear once he can’t delegate all the emotional labor.
A: I don’t think my answer says that at all. Having a conversation with the husband about what he’s actually asking for isn’t immediately acquiescing to his request. Sure, LW could just say “no,” but I don’t think that’s a solution and that’s not LW was asking about. If anything, I’d add that LW should use their time the way they want, regardless of what anyone else is asking.
Q. Re: Not the Favorite: Something concrete—report the scamming to the bank issuing the credit card. They’re getting more involved in protecting the elderly. Although that’s usually with bank accounts, it can’t hurt to talk to them about the credit card situation. You could also suggest to your husband that the two of you offer to set up his mother with a debt advisor. Even if she doesn’t take you up on it or doesn’t follow the advice, it’s a constructive suggestion of help that will make your husband feel better. I’m sorry—this is a difficult situation as you feel for your husband but can’t let his mother take you down financially with her.
A: Great options. Lana has resources that aren’t familial and have experience with this kind of stuff, if—big if—she actually wants to get better.
R. Eric Thomas: Thanks for your questions and comments! See you next week! Be good to yourselves!
Don’t miss Part 1 of this week’s chat: Help! My Fiancé Uses an Offensive Amount of Toilet Paper When They Pee.
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