Dear Prudence

Help! My Ex-Husband’s New Wife Is Very Into PDA—With Me.

It’s drawn strange looks from other parents.

One person puts their arm around the other in front of a background of illustrated kisses.
Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years. Each Sunday, we dive into the Dear Prudie archives and share a selection of classic letters with our readers. Join Slate Plus for even more advice columns.

Dear Prudence,

My ex-husband remarried last year to a woman from another country. She is very kind and gets on well with my 6-year-old son, which is a huge blessing. The only thing I find awkward is her tendency for lots of tactile interaction, even with me. She’s an avid hugger and every hello and goodbye is accompanied by kisses to both cheeks, not to mention an invariable arm over my shoulder or around the waist. I went along with it initially, so as not to alienate my son’s stepmom, but now I do feel a little embarrassed, especially as she takes on more parenting duties. At my son’s soccer last week she not only sat next to me, but held my hand throughout the game, drawing strange looks from other parents. Is there a nice way to tell her to cut back on the affection (in public at least) without seeming rude, or like a hypocrite who has been playing along all this while?

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I can understand that more eyes were on you two than on the game as people were trying to figure out whether they’d gotten it wrong about exactly whose partner Francesca is. Good for you for figuratively embracing this new person in your son’s life. But you should not feel pressured to translate that into literal contact. It’s one thing to do the cheek kiss at the door (although that’s pretty cheeky for the second wife to initiate that with the first), but you need to firmly but pleasantly let her know there will be no hand-holding, etc. You should also check in with your husband and say while you understand that Francesca comes from a culture with different standards of physical contact, since she lives here now, you want to make sure your son doesn’t feel uncomfortable and violated by her tactile expectations. —Emily Yoffe

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From: “Help! My Ex-Husband’s New Wife Holds My Hand All the Time.” (Dec. 17, 2013)

Dear Prudence,

I first met “Anne” when we were both pregnant. We became fast friends and raised our daughters, now in their 30s, together. Anne’s daughter doesn’t plan on having children, which is difficult for Anne, who wanted to be a grandmother terribly. My daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in March—my first grandchild. When my grandson was born, Anne immediately stepped into the role of bonus grandmother, perhaps a little too well. My son-in-law doesn’t speak with his parents, so they aren’t in the picture. The day after my grandson was born, I arrived at the hospital to find Anne already there, holding him. She had baby-proofed her house by the next week. She has pictures of him in every room of her house and posts them on Facebook (with my daughter’s consent) almost once a week, referring to herself as “Nana Anne.” Anne is retired (I am not) and is able to watch my grandson three days of the week while my daughter begins work again. She even contributed a large sum to start his college fund, which I am unable to do financially at this time.

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I do my best to be a helpful and loving grandmother, and I spend lots of time with my daughter and her family, but I feel like everything I do, Anne does better and more often. I can’t help but feel like she has “stolen” my grandson. The rational part of me knows that it’s a win-win for my daughter to get the free child care, for Anne to have a grandchild, and my grandson to have another loving presence in his life. But the irrational part is jealous, angry that Anne’s financial situation allowed her to retire before me, and resentful. I’m struggling to find ways to talk to Anne and my daughter about how I feel, because I don’t want to come across as possessive and demanding. How can I preserve my friendship with Anne, and enjoy my role as a grandmother, with this dynamic?

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Your resentment and jealousy make a lot of sense, and I think you should give yourself permission to find ways to talk about them. Not primarily with Anne or your daughter—I think a therapist or a trusted friend who’s not immediately connected to this situation will prove more helpful there—but these feelings are bound up in your sense of self, your role in your family, your desire to retire and experience financial stability, all of which are pretty significant. You know, I think that you do not have grounds to ask Anne not to contribute to your grandson’s future education, or to ask your daughter to seek other forms of child care, or even to ask the two of them to scale back the very real familial relationship they’ve developed with one another over the years. Your grandson has two grandmothers, which is very common, and I think that with time, as you’re able to continue to develop your own relationship with him and watch him grow up to love you as a unique individual and not a “lesser” version of Nana Anne, these feelings of comparison and inadequacy will subside. In the meantime, set aside a little time each week to voice your fears and resentments, even if it’s just in a private diary, so that it doesn’t feel like you’re carrying around a massive secret. If you want to ask your daughter for periodic one-on-one time with your grandson, and to say that you sometimes feel anxious about your own role as his grandmother when you don’t have the same time and resources as Anne, I think you have grounds to do so and trust that you’ll be heard. —Danny M. Lavery

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From: “Help! My Husband Doesn’t Have Any Friends.” (Aug. 23, 2018)

Dear Prudence,

In my college years, I was sexually adventurous, to say the least. In my later 20s, I found my way back to my church, and decided to start fresh, and wait until marriage. I met my now husband in my church singles’ group, and we have been married for just over a year now. He knows nothing of my sexual past, I didn’t feel it was necessarily his business, and he never asked. However, he was a virgin when we married, and there is the problem. He is really lousy in bed. I’ve tried to suggest ideas to spice things up, but he looks confused when I do. Also, when I’ve made certain suggestions as to say, positions, he asks how I’d even think of something like that, so I told him I’d read about it online, and he got worried I’d seen porn! I don’t want to tell him about my past, but I don’t really want to spend the rest of my life in missionary, when there are so many other options. If I reveal too much knowledge about sexual acts we haven’t done, I’m pretty sure he’ll decide I was “used goods” and he shouldn’t have married me—are there other ways I could drop a hint, without revealing too much about my own past?

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I’ll never understand people who don’t go for a test drive before purchasing the vehicle. When you say he knows nothing of your past, I don’t know if you mean he doesn’t know the details or he thought like himself, you had no sexual past. If the latter then you married under false pretenses. This problem goes beyond him being inexperienced; he’s not interested in becoming experienced. So you two may have a fundamental mismatch. You need some honesty in this marriage. Without going into numbers or details (and don’t be bullied into revealing them) you tell him you know about sex because you’ve had it. You say your experience could make your marriage much more exciting and you want to explore sexually with him. If he thinks you are damaged goods, then what a favor he’ll be doing you by ending it now. —E.Y.

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From: “Help! My Husband Only Knows One Position in Bed.” (Feb. 12, 2013)

Dear Prudence,

I’m a 28-year-old female, and my life is like a romantic comedy—except I’m the red herring, not the romantic lead. Every guy I have ever been out with even once with has married the next girl they date after me. My record time is one week between my date with a guy and his proposal to another woman (seriously). At first it was a joke, but now that it’s happened 17 times, I get a lot of grief about it—and it’s not funny anymore. I’ve started to let it deter me from taking chances and meeting people. How do I let go of this superstitious baggage?

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Look at it another way: It is not unusual for a 28-year-old to have been out with 17 people and be unmarried. The fact that they have all gotten engaged or married shortly thereafter is perhaps statistically unlikely but hardly remarkable, given how popular getting engaged and married appear to be. Everyone’s exes eventually date or marry someone else. This is not a reflection on you. This is a coincidence, like getting a phone number that’s mostly 9s. There is nothing you need to examine or change about yourself in order to prevent this from happening. In fact, even if there truly has been an anomalous trend of your being the “next-to-last,” look at the upside: You like men who have been confirmed by at least one other person to be excellent long-term prospects. So keep going on dates with people you’re interested in, and count yourself lucky you didn’t spend more time on the kind of guy who was dating other people a week before getting engaged. —D.L.

From: “Help! My Wife’s Job Causes Her to Hoard Candy and Snap at Every Little Thing.” (Jan. 12, 2017)

More Advice From Dear Prudence

I have never been a man who enjoys casual sex. It’s always been more enjoyable to me when I’m with a woman with whom I have an emotional connection. For some time, I have been in love with my best friend Chelsea.

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